Do you want me to sink?

I asked. But it sounded wrong…wrongly directed.Does he want me to sink I thought? Do they want me sink?

Now I put all of them in the box they put me.

Putting them in that box would speak fear into my mind, I would look back and no one would be standing there.

So each time I put all in a box, I quickly took one out, then two, then three. I will go on to stop at three. My Big three, big enough for me to loose my mind and run out, big enough for me to give up, big enough for me to shrink. Big enough to forget who I begged God to be. Big enough to forget Ifeyinwa.

Do they want me to sink?

I heard about emotional maturity. I’m clearly not emotionally mature enough but I “try” unless when it’s time to talk to the big three, then I put up an exemption.

I go back I look at myself in the mirror, I’ll look till I can talk to them? I’ll look till I don’t see my childlike face, my childlike acts, my NO, that doesn’t sound like a No. Then I become an angry child again.

I’ll shut the first door, because no one understands an angry child

I’ll shut the second door, because I won’t give an explanation that breeds havoc

I’ll shut the third door, because I needed to feel love and understanding without having to prove something or myself

I’ll go back to my mirror, but this time there’s nothing there, no one there . Not my child like self, not even the growth I begged for.

I’ve thought about death

I know you have too, but we don’t talk about it enough. So let me tell you what it was like and why.

Firstly, I felt myself slipping away,

then I gave it another thought and said “it nothing”

But in reality, I wondered why, my death would signify my importance.

I wondered what they would say, when they stood on that podium, I wondered if they thought they had the right to cry, I wondered if they would grieve me, as much as I would grieve myself and all the words I didn’t pen down because I cared enough not to write such. I wondered if they thought, “she probably died while living” because that would be a lie. I wondered if it would hit them on the weekends the most, because I would leave everything to play basketball, I kept on wondering till I knew, I wasn’t slipping away because I was dying.

I was slipping away because, I left my potential, my ever important words, my chaotic words, to heartfelt words, my questionable words, and I kept on asking God;

Why am I here? Am I supposed to be here? And he answered my question again and again. Till he saw that my questions breeds doubt.

I was standing in faith, then I took a very heavy chain of doubt and put around myself, then I put myself in an empty space that wasn’t my mind. And I asked;

Why am I here? Why do I feel so empty? Why can’t I accept who I am?

As you give God a chance, I want you to also give yourself a chance, I want you to give your faith a chance, I want you to give the ideas in your head a chance. You want to run today, do it. You want to take a chair outside and hold a mic while you talk, do it.

As you unlearn the ways of the world and learn the ways of Christ. I want to tell you that you are not empty and Christ hasn’t left you, you have just emptied the barrel of the world out in you, and you have fully accepted Christ. You have accepted that you can’t be on the fence of both sides, so you chose Christ.

It is not easy to be in Christ, so brace yourself.

Romans 12:2

Do not conform yourselves to the standards of this world,but let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind. Then you will be able to know the will of God- what is good and is pleasing to him and is perfect.